My beloved mother finally passed away in July 2024. Finally?! What a strange word to use. I use this word because she had so many “close brushes with death” since May 2022. My mother had so many emergencies and close calls, and we’d said our goodbyes too many times. Yet every time she pulled through and survived. Except this time. This was indeed final.
My mother left this world the same way she lived her life – with a BANG!
She left so quickly and so unexpectedly that we did not know what hit us. She was admitted the day before to have an emergency procedure at 8:00 am the next day. But she left us at 1:40 am, a few hours before the scheduled operation.
Even in the hospital she was still eating, was lucid and could carry on a conversation naturally.
In fact, she signed her consent forms for that procedure on her own volition, with the right head space to go through with it. But God in His infinite mercy spared her all that suffering and pain and just took her home in an instant, a few hours short of the procedure.
I did not even have time to say goodbye. When I got to the hospital, her heart had already stopped. But she was still warm. I could kiss her warm cheeks and hold her soft hands.
My sweet mother, my sweet beloved, had left the earth and was totally free at last.
I grieve for her. When I think of her and look at the old photos and videos, the memories flood in, the good, the bad and the ugly. The lovely times we spent together. The words, laughter and smiles. Mixed with the horrible images of hospitalisation, open wounds, pain and suffering.
And then, what followed: the heartache of missing her.
All these thoughts and feelings rush in like a tsunami. My tears well up, my throat becomes tight. I can hardly breathe. Yet, in between, there is happiness, laughter and relief. Grieving is complex, an amalgam of emotions of sadness and gladness, holding on.
Yet, there’s the relief of letting go.
All meld together until you can’t decipher one from the other. At times I just bawl like a child calling for mother. It’s a confused pain-joy.
In John 11:25- 26, Jesus said … “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies, and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?”
Do I believe this? Do I believe my mother is alive in Christ? Yes I do. I do believe. But do I have hard evidence that my mother is alive? No, I don’t. But I just know.
That seems a contradiction.
Perhaps that’s faith and belief is in a nutshell. I just know. But It doesn’t mean I don’t have questions.
Right after her death, both my sister and I went on a holiday to Hokkaido Japan. One of the cities we visited was Hakodate.
In Hakodate, I wanted to visit this Russian Orthodox Church. I got there just before closing time of visiting hours. Then I noticed that they had a Vigil Service at 5 pm just one hour later. After making enquiries and asking for permission, both my sister and I decided to stay.
The Russian Orthodox Church vigil service is very different from our Lutheran services. The whole vigil is sung. There’s no sermon, no talking. Only singing sans musical instruments.
There were 4 ladies singing in harmony in old Japanese, giving praise to God The Priest, Father Clement, also sings as he prays. As he sings and prays, he swings a thurible, a round metal incense burner suspended on chains. And the church is filled with a wonderful scent of incense and the sound of singing.
During that entire vigil there were only 2 congregants. Or rather, 2 visitors (who stayed the entire service), namely us two Malaysians, my sister and I. Apart from the Father, his assistant and the 4 ladies and us two, there was no one else.
What struck me was the faithfulness of the Father, the assistant and the ladies praising God despite the lack of other congregants. They sing and worship God with their whole heart without once sipping water or umming or ahhing[2]. Their worship is directed to the audience of One,
As Father Clement swung the thurible at me I just prayed and received his blessing, “Oh bless me, Father.” I said in my heart.
The Vigil was for an hour and half. All that time, I prayed silently and thought of my mother. Suddenly, in a vision, I saw my mother. She was just standing in front of me, her eyes closed, her countenance peaceful. She was not saying anything to me. I couldn’t talk to her or touch her.
Seeing her, in my heart, I asked “Mummy, do you remember me? I remember you and I miss you.”
After the Vigil, it was time for dinner. So we drove to Lucky Pierrot, a fast food joint operating only in Hakodate. We ordered their famous Chinese Chicken Burger and fries. As we waited for our food, my sister returned from the ladies. And suddenly I heard this song being played over the PA “Tammy, Tammy, Tammy is in love.” [3]
My sister said excitedly “Hey, they’re playing your song! I’m recording this!” I just sat there in stunned silence, listening to Debbie Reynolds singing my song until the end. No one knew the question that I had asked in my heart just an hour earlier, “Do you remember me, Mummy?”
I hadn’t even shared that with my sister.
English is hardly ever spoken in Japan. What are the odds of us entering Lucky Pierrot and this Fifties American song played over the PA of my namesake at that very moment? This song is the reason I am named Tammy. Could it be? How did this happen? I don’t know for certain. But I feel deeply comforted.
As I share this epiphany with you, I know many others have their own epiphanies of their loved ones who have just passed on. Of seeing butterflies, or having dreams, or even seeing their loved ones on the street as they drove past and then suddenly disappearing. We all have our personal experiences.
God’s promises are true and infallible.
I know that my mother is in the best place with the Lord and that we will meet again where God will wipe every tear from our eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed Rev 21: 14
Zai Jian my love, until we meet again.
[1] Zai Jian connotes, “until we meet again”, used to say goodbye to people we intend to meet once more
[2] Um and ahh. To be hesitant or indecisive, especially when speaking out loud about a decision. “Um” and “ah” are common filler words used by habit or when one is deciding what to say. Free Dictionary
[3] “Tammy” is a popular song with music by Jay Livingston and lyrics by Ray Evans. It was published in 1957 and made its debut in the film Tammy and the Bachelor. It was nominated for the 1957 Oscar for Best Original Song. “Tammy” is heard in the film in two versions. The one that became a No. 1 hit single for Debbie Reynolds in 1957 is heard midway through the film, and was a UK No. 2 hit single in the same year. Wikipedia. Many girls born in the 1960’s were named Tammy due to that song. Tammy. Meaning and Origin Ancestry.com. For those who don’t know who Debbie Reynolds was, she was the mother of Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia of Star Wars)
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Beautiful sharing, Tammy.
I think your mom is playing DJ up in heaven!
Thank you, Tammy for sharing your experience with us. I went through a similar experience. My sister who is hearing impaired, 80 years old, was in and out of hospital with breathing difficulties, foot infection n her foot had to be amputated! It was a shock to us. I clung on to God. Thank you for praying for us I was much strengthened n comforted by your prayers. My sis managed to pull through. Thank God. Every day is a gift from God
Tammy , this piece is beautifully and poignantly written.
May your Mum rest peacefully and continue to watch over you.